| binged.
multiple times.
that was the strongest pot. fuucked with me.
buuttt.
kill me. i wish i was strong enough the cut my veins just deep enough for death.
i'm so weak. and SOO fat right now. prob 140. god.
i was 124 two months ago.
wtf i want to chop my head off. why couldn't i be in a horror movie?
i'd long for the death...
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| |
| todays a wash.
study stress led me to eat more.
not as much as when i wasn't dieting, but not diet worthy, thus not worthy of posting, or ashaming.
we all have those days. >.> |
| |
| in the library trying to write my essay now, but failing miserably, and only have a few hours of power on this lappy, and forgot my charger >.>
intake:
B: coffee + an apple
L: coffee + apple
D: apple + some weed
i'm not going out tonight. even if there are pills that i could get to make me more human. god i love those pills. i act like how i should act normally when i'm on them. man i still can't believe how fat i've gotten. i can't fit into anything. i remember when i used to be able to feel my ribcage and my hipbones protruded. i miss that. don't worry body, i'll get you back. and i hate ritchie for calling me out on my fatness and saying ohh yo really don't want to loose weight ur just lazy. fuck you. you don't get it and i wish you would die. i'd never want to be you, with ur fucking god complex thinking u know all about everyone, and being high everyday and wasting ur life away. sure i waste my life away as well, but i feel i'm more aware of the fact. *shrug* be back on later.
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| |
| ewww.
i weigh 138 and i've been bingeing all night. i hate myself right now.
and i can't go out with ritchie anymore.
everynight he starts philosophizing on what kind of person i am. judging me for cutting, for being bulimic, for being obsessed with weight. i keep telling him to fuck off, but he's a total ass. he's like, you are mad because i am right, maybe i'm mad b/c you are the biggest douche ever who is still trying to get with me, even though i've made it clear you are nothing to me.
i just want to get away.
i was mad high all today and yesterday.
it sucks b/c i should have been working.
oh well.
i'm just pissed at how FATTTT i am.
seriously.
gained at least 15 lbs. this is depressing. being 126 before was bad, and now i'm almost 140 WTFFFF.
i hate life right now. i gotta get back on track, if not now, once break starts.
hopefully. goddamn.
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i am flawed, imperfect,
